Today is my birthday, and in honor of that I am posting this lovely, gluten-free cake (just the picture), baked for me by my particular friend’s daughter, unexpectedly.
You will notice that there is a divot in the top right corner. Yes, I ate some. Two forkfuls, to be precise, and they were large and delicious.
My friend Bonnie, the superhero, also made me a birthday dinner Saturday night, the first party thrown in my birthday honor since I was ten or eleven, I guess. A small gathering with delicious food and people I love.
As I enter my 46th year on the planet, it seems to me that the most important things have become distilled and clear in my mind.
Connection.
Gratitude.
Love.
Compassion.
As we are all still works in progress, there are things with which I still struggle, bonds I am in the process of strengthening, and those which are being carefully dissolved.
But I am grateful this early, early birthday morning for the wonderful people who have stayed with me through my life, and those who have recently become so important. For me, they are the only gift worth receiving.
So to the wonderful people who make up my small, beautiful, determined tribe, thank you so much for being the light and love in my life. My only hope is to be as good a friend to you all as you have been to me. I appreciate you more than you know, and I hope to share this appreciation of you in various ways this year.
“Instructions for living a life. Pay attention. Be astonished. Tell about it.”
But it feels like a high school crush. Not the high school I went to or the way I went to high school, though. Studied indifference + avoiding all responsibilities = no fluttery, butterfly feelings for a boy in my high school. Too busy trying to alternately melt into the background and get the fuck out.
I am talking high school with the montages of far-off stares and private smiles. Notes left in lockers and walks in the woods, holding hands. Cozy dates with fluffy blankets (these montages always have the best throws/blankets and sweaters/coats). Sideways glances and actually giving a crap what you look like when you walk out the door.
Mixed tapes.
Courtship.
Except I have felt too old for courtship and was pretty sure that I had already had my last first kiss. My last first anything. (nudge, wink, cheeky reference which isn’t even veiled and everyone knows means sex, so what the hell?)
Which is tough to swallow, yes, when that whole thing goes to shit. The idea of any new firsts of any kind has been horrific, not because of grief or any of that but because OH MY GOD. Do I really have to go through all of that shit again?
Because life isn’t like the high school with the montages. It’s uncomfortable and messy and complicated and there are things to be navigated and disclosed that I haven’t told anyone in 16 years. There are the adolescent things that I haven’t thought about in 16 years, plus adult things like money, kids, blah, blah, blah.
And thinking about those things is no fun, really.
Which is why, mostly, I’m not. Truly.
I find this boy, the same one I shared my Pappy with (and no, that’s not a reference to anything, but I guess it could be if you wanted to try really hard), interesting. And not in a euphemistic way either. Like, keep-me-up-at-night-I-wonder-what-he-thinks-about-this interesting.
The kind of interesting that is intriguing to me. The kind that hasn’t been around in a very, very long time.
The best part about this boy is that he is so interesting to me that if things don’t progress to anything else for any reason, I would enjoy him anyway. He is awfully pretty to me, though, so there’s that, but I like what he does, and who he is, thus far.
Though he has one flaw that I have discovered, right away.
He is a vegetarian.
Now I am all about an alternative diet. I am annoyingly (to some) gluten-free without a celiac diagnosis (fuck off, haters. I just feel better, okay?). I grew up with vegetarians (when dinner was mostly dirt and grass). The Teenager has a vegan friend. My cousin Jennifer (and other relatives I know) are allergic to shellfish.
I understand no meat, spiritually, morally, and physically.
But no homemade chicken stock? No crab? No fish? What the hell?
He’s not even overly fond of cheese or eggs, both of which can be quite astonishing by themselves when cooked perfectly.
No, this one requires something special, and I am at a loss just now.
Possibly because I have been awake since 1:30 a.m., lying in bed, twirling my hair, and wondering if I should even be writing this post in the first place.
So.
Here it is, this post, with a request for suggestions. What should I try first?
It seems like fall always does this to me, and to my kid, too: sets me back on my heels, makes me a little melancholy. This fall is the first where we have been completely settled in two and a half years. The past two and a half years have been spent first in total shock, then next in planning and moving and renovating a house. Maybe that is why I have spent the last two weeks re-evaluating everything I am doing and coming to the really terrifying realization that the true grief for my departed husband has not yet quite begun. Fall should come with caution tape. So I have doubled down on yoga, practicing every day, usually at a class but at home if I can’t make one, asked for recommendations for therapists, attempted to re-design this website to make it a little more interesting (ha. that has been a process that is still ongoing), and gotten my affairs in order, the better to not clutter my head with things that really don’t matter as I try to figure out what. the. fuck. Oh, yeah, and I made gluten-free apple cider doughnuts. Baking, cooking, and preserving is the one thing that always gives me a small bit of joy. It has been that way for as long as I can remember. I love the process of baking itself. The creativity of flavors and substitutions for gluten-free or vegan baking, the mixing wet and dry ingredients and watching them smooth and wrap themselves around my beaters. The house smells delicious, and in the end I have something I can share, something that I know will be better than anything I can buy. It is fall, and it’s time for apple cider. Last week was caramel apple cocktails, and this week is gluten-free apple cider doughnuts. These are cake doughnuts that are highly spiced with cinnamon, clove, and nutmeg. They are, as always, gluten-free, but regular all-purpose flour works here, too. Enjoy. Oh, and if anybody is a Blogger pro, get in touch, would you? I have some free stuff to give away to subscribers but can’t figure that particular magic out. #KThanks Apple Cider Doughnuts Ingredients Doughnuts: 2 cups apple cider 2 eggs 1 stick butter, room temperature 1/2 cup sugar 1/2 cup milk 1 tsp. vinegar 3 tsp. vanilla extract 1 3/4 cups gluten-free all-purpose flour blend 1/4 cup oat flour OR almond meal 1/2 tsp. xanthan gum (optional if your blend already has it. I use it anyway) 2 tsp. baking powder 1 tsp. baking soda 1 T ground cinnamon 1/2 tsp. salt 1 tsp. ground nutmeg 1/8 tsp. cloves Topping: 1 stick melted butter 1/2 cup sugar 1 T cinnamon optional: add nutmeg, ground ginger, and cloves to taste Method: Preheat oven to 400 and grease two doughnut pans (either full size or mini). Before you begin, you need to reduce the apple cider from 2 cups to just 1/2 cup. Place in a medium saucepan over medium heat and bring to a lazy boil. Reduce heat to low and simmer until reduced, then cool to room temperature. The mixture will resemble simple syrup and is, indeed, DELICIOUS in a bourbon cocktail. This can be made the night before, but bring it to room temperature before adding. You also need to combine the milk and the vinegar to make a buttermilk, of sorts. I chose this method over purchasing buttermilk because most people don’t have buttermilk handy. If you do, feel free to substitute 1/2 cup of buttermilk. If not, add the vinegar to the milk and let sit for 10 minutes. In a small bowl, combine the following dry ingredients: flours, baking soda and powder, salt, and spices. In a medium bowl or stand mixer, cream the butter and sugar together until fluffy. Add eggs and beat, then add vanilla, milk mixture, and reduced apple cider. Beat until combined, then add the flour and continuing mixing until it is smooth (just a minute or two). If you have a pastry bag, use that to pipe the batter into the waiting doughnut tins. If not, scoop the batter into a Ziploc baggie, snip off a corner, and use that to pipe the batter into the tins. Fill about halfway up. Bake for eight to ten minutes. Doughnuts are ready when they spring back from a light touch. Turn out onto a wire rack. As soon as they are just cool enough to handle, dip each doughnut into melted butter and then roll in spicy sugar mixture. These may keep, but I have no experience with them lasting past noon on the day they are made, so let me know if they do. Recipe notes:
Doughnuts are just as delicious without the sugar topping, and you can also just use it for the top if you want to keep sugar in check.
There is a very good chance that you could make this vegan by subbing apple sauce for the eggs. I haven’t tried, but it seems like it would work. #reportback
When I post links on Friday, they are usually some interesting technique, tip, or piece of gear that I want to try. When I post recipes, I have not always tried them before posting but am interested in what they have going on and think maybe they are worth a shot. This was the case with the caramel apple martini I posted this past Friday. I posted it and planned to make it Saturday. And I did. And it was awful. Awful like already-drunk-sorority-girl-shots awful. Even when I went to buy the two boozes for the drink, the liquor store lady looked at me and said, “Um…are you putting these two together?” So while apple vodka and butterscotch schnapps make perfect sense on paper, on the palate they are cloying, nauseatingly sweet. Did it taste like a caramel apple? Yes, but with an extra coating of syrup. Envisioning the headache and illness that would occur were I to finish the drink, I dumped it out. I also had yoga in a winery (with a wine tasting) on Sunday morning, which makes for the booziest weekend (with the beer at a party and the glass of wine with a friend Saturday night) I have had planned in awhile. Sunday I vowed to do better. For the three people that regularly read the blog, I made another recipe, one that is not GODAWFULLY SWEET but still tastes like a caramel apple. Don’t get me wrong: it’s sweet. If you have issues with sugar, stay away. Just sip your whiskey neat and watch everyone else play. It’s cool. But if you want a drink that acts like dessert, tastes like a boozy fresh apple slathered in caramel, this drink’s for you. I am listing the ingredients in ratios because A) I used a shot glass to measure with, and your shot glass may be larger or smaller, and B) I am newly obsessed with ratios due to the book Ratio by Michael Ruhlman (review later this week!). And, for those of you who would take umbrage with Buffalo Trace being used in such a fashion, stuff it. Julia Child said don’t cook with anything you wouldn’t drink, and I am following that credo here. Life’s to short to drink rail bourbon, in any form. At least I didn’t use the Pappy.
(Full disclosure: I did also make this with one part Tito’s vodka instead of bourbon, and that was okay, too. I like the slightly fuller, richer taste of the drink with the bourbon, but if you have some good vodka in the house, that works, too.) Caramel Apple Martini (serves 1) One part Buffalo Trace bourbon One part Dekuyper Buttershots (butterscotch schnapps) Two parts fresh apple cider (no sugar added. Jesus.) Mix all ingredients with ice in a shaker and shake until very, very cold. Pour into a martini glass and garnish with a fresh apple slice. You could also rim the martini glass with caramel and dip it into chopped peanuts if you want some protein with your drink. Give it a try and let me know what you think. And if anyone wants a bottle of Smirnoff Sour Apple Vodka with one shot missing, just let me know.
