I have always felt like I am too much and just not enough at the same time.

Perhaps not best to be writing this on the 11th anniversary of my father’s death, the 12th anniversary of my cousin Teddy’s death, and the day I am driving to a memorial for my uncle Jim who died late last week. Oh, and the last day of my daughter’s high school career (thank god), heading towards the first big milestone her father will miss (graduation).

But there you have it. The words come when they come.

As my friend Corey’s daughter J said to her the other day, “Oh my God, mom. Your feelings. They’re so big and there are so many of them. It’s exhausting.”

It is exhausting. For not only people around me but for me as well.

The constant background understanding that I am taking up too much space.

That my highs and lows are inconvenient and need to be explained away or apologized for.

That I can’t allow these strong feelings to pass through me or be processed out loud in the presence of anyone who might conceivably be offended, so I have to remove myself from people, even when it’s the exact opposite of what I need.

That sometimes I feel crushingly lonely, and the “just not enough” part kicks in to remind me exactly how worthless and unworthy I am in the first place, so what else did I expect?

Jesus. First-world, overprivileged, white-people problems, but goddamn. They still are real to me, daily present, and require constant negotiation and mediation in a brain that is already chock-a-block full of recriminations against its owner.

I have always felt outside of things – my family, my friends, the people I work with – and I don’t expect that to go away anytime soon.

I understand that I am not for everyone. Mostly it’s ok. The people I am for are with me for life. They get it.

This past weekend Khristian and I fled to the hills of West Virginia to our friends at Redwing Farm. I have known these people for nearly three decades. They have seen me through all of my iterations – safe to say they are for me. They were hosting a sleepover for their daughter’s birthday, a previously low-key affair that swelled from two kids to eight kids and potentially 20 adults staying for dinner in the space of just a few hours. One desperate text and 12 hours later, we were cresting the wooded driveway that leads to their house, there to offer moral support and help where we could.

We meant to come back in late summer anyway, not only for the company of Luke, Keveney, and Casey but also to pick the hops that twine their way up their porch railing. It had been a hard summer for the hops; although plentiful, many of them never quite opened. Still, as we left for home less than 24 hours after we arrived, I tucked a grocery bag full of them away in the car to play with at home.

Like me, this ice cream is not for everyone. It’s an unusual mix of flavors, and care must be taken to get the balance right. The first iteration was delicious but so bitter on the finish that it was impossible to eat, but this one manages to be smooth, sweet, and creamy, with a touch of citrus and salt and a definite hoppy vibe.

Honey Hopped Ice Cream With Salted Almond Toffee

Ingredients

Honey Hopped Ice Cream

2 cups whole milk

2 cups heavy cream

1/4 cup honey

1/2 cup fresh Cascade hops

6 egg yolks

pinch salt

1/2 teaspoon lemon zest

1/4 teaspoon almond extract

Salted Almond Toffee

(Annoying sidebar: you need a candy thermometer for this.)

1 1/2 cups unsalted toasted almonds, roughly chopped

1/2 stick butter

3/4 cup sugar

2 tablespoons water

1 teaspoon lemon juice

big pinch salt

Method

Make the ice cream: Heat milk, heavy cream, and honey in a heavy saucepan over medium heat until warm (look for small bubbles to appear around the edges of the pan). Remove from heat, add the hops, and cover. Steep for at least 20 minutes (taste. You should be able to taste the hops, but they should not make the back of your throat pucker.).

Strain hops out and return the milk to the saucepan. Bring back to a simmer (not boiling – look for the bubbles again).

Place egg yolks, lemon zest, and salt in a separate bowl and whisk well to combine.

Here is the tricky part, so go slow.

In a thin stream, gradually and slowly add the hot milk mixture to the egg, whisking vigorously. If you add it all at once you will end up with honey hopped scrambled eggs, which is truly disgusting.

Once the milk is added to the egg, place a strainer over the heavy saucepan and pour the mixture back into the saucepan. This catches any stray hop flowers (or scrambled egg).

Over low heat and stirring constantly, cook the mixture until it begins to thicken. You will know it is ready when it coats the back of a spoon (about ten minutes).

Remove from heat and strain again into a clean bowl, covering with plastic wrap that rests on the surface (so no skin forms). You can refrigerate this overnight (which Serious Eats says is best for flavor), or you can just cool it completely (about four hours) before churning according to your ice cream maker’s instructions.

Make the toffee: While your ice cream custard is chilling, make your salted almond toffee. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper and set aside.

Toast your almonds in a pan (or the oven) over low heat (or 350 degrees) until they begin to release their delicious, nutty aroma (between five and seven minutes, ish). Remove from pan (or oven) and allow to cool before chopping them roughly.

Place butter, sugar, water, lemon juice, and salt in a heavy saucepan over medium heat. Clip your candy thermometer to the side of the saucepan. DO NOT STIR. Swirl gently as the ingredients melt, then watch carefully as the thermometer climbs to 300 degrees. NO MORE NO LESS.

Do not wander off. You will go from barely bubbling to burnt and bitter within seconds. #AskMeHowIKnow

Once you reach that temperature, remove from heat and add your chopped toasted almonds. Work quickly to combine, then pour onto parchment paper lined cookie sheet. Spread to about 1/4″ thick (or whatever. It doesn’t really matter, but it cools faster when it’s thinner). Allow to cool completely.

Place in a sealed plastic bag and beat the toffee with a rolling pin to break it up into little bits.

PUT THAT SHIT TOGETHER: In the last five minutes of churning, add the salted almond toffee to the ice cream.

Don’t overchurn, and allow to freeze following your ice cream maker’s instructions.

Enjoy with people who TOTALLY GET YOU.