Tag: candy

Cleaning Out The Pantry: Chocolate Covered Stuffed Dates (With Smoked Salt)

Snow day snacks for DAYS.

Happy 2019. I’m back.

While you guys have been busy blowing off your resolutions and scraping snow off your cars, I have been making money moves. Taking care of business. Planning ahead. Reaching for the stars. Attaining goals.

Ha. Just kidding. That isn’t even remotely close.

I have been doing what I do every January since I became an adult: spending zero cash dollars, watching lots of movies, and cleaning out the pantry.

In December, I stock up on food goods like the apocalypse is pending (which it very well may be, but this is not a political blog only just sometimes, but I am trying to write something nice, so I am not going to go there because if you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all, but, by the way, fuck 45, and why is this country not in full-scale revolution yet? And also I am glad I am not flying anytime soon, because those TSA workers and ATC are about to not give a rat’s ass about that gun in your luggage and landing your little old plane. But I digress.).

Something about the short days and cold nights makes me fill the freezer and pantry beyond all rational use for a house that now consists of two people, one of whom would rather scrape change from the couch cushions for UberEats souvlaki than spend ten minutes actually cooking herself something, and the other one of whom (me) eats maybe once a day and mostly snacks all the other times.

So because I am pathologically incapable of throwing anything out, I force myself to eat in all of January and only buy fresh veg and household necessities. I have a box of frozen gluten-free pizza from Costco (three pizzas), and if I am careful I will make it to February with those (#priorities), but otherwise, everything else is straight from the pantry.

We have had some epic meals already, starting with spicy lentils over cornbread, topped with a fried egg, for New Year’s Day, and braised spinach with chickpeas, sun-dried tomatoes, and lemon over rice for this recent snow day. I have made three batches of scones, each one better than the last, and I am thinking of going for another in the next few days (except my gluten-free AP flour is running out and cannot be replaced until February 1, and I might want waffles at some point).

I have also added the wrinkle of not buying any sugar, but that’s not going great. Scratch that. It’s going fine, except I had a lot of sugar in the house to begin with, so we’re set and buying extra wasn’t necessary. But I have eaten less sugar this month than normal in general (minus the three candy bars I had this weekend but that doesn’t count because it was a snow day anyway, and I was not at my house).

Today, I wanted something sweet but not too complex to make and fairly immediately gratifying. Something I could justify making and writing about instead of actually doing work I get paid for because today I don’t really feel like writing, but I have to anyway, so if I write and then take a little break that seems fair, right?

RIGHT.

So this is that. I have a bag of pitted Deglet Noor dates (also from Costco. Damn you, Costco!), a jar of honey peanut butter, some vegan chocolate chips, and some applewood smoked salt.

COME AT ME, BRO. These bitches are incredible. And it’s easy to make them with whatever you have. Medjool dates are bigger and sweeter but would be easier to stuff. Almond butter would be delicious (or any kind of nut butter – I toyed with the idea of making some homemade pistachio butter for this, but nixed it due to lack of motivation and the aforementioned immediate gratification). If dark chocolate is your jam, have at it; same with white chocolate, but also how dare you. Salt makes it better, so try different kinds.

All measurements are guesses. I used just enough peanut butter to leave some for toast if I felt like it later in the month.

Chocolate Covered Stuffed Dates With Smoked Salt

Ingredients
15 dates, pitted (fewer if the dates are bigger)
Peanut butter
1 cup chocolate chips (see Recipe Notes)
2 teaspoons coconut oil
Smoked salt (or flaky fleur de sel)

Method
Using a spoon or a clean finger (naughty), stuff each date with about 1/2 teaspoon peanut butter and place in freezer to chill for about 15 minutes.

While the dates chill, melt chocolate chips and coconut oil in a saucepan, stirring until smooth.

Use a toothpick to dip each date into the chocolate until covered. Place on parchment paper and set in the fridge for a couple minutes before sprinkling each with salt (to taste).

Eat immediately, or keep sealed in the fridge for a couple days.

Recipe Notes
*You could say, for the sake of argument, that if you had melted chocolate chips left, that adding the same volume of coconut oil and stirring to combine would be a good idea. Pour this into a jar and leave on the kitchen counter, then come down late at night when you want some ice cream in bed, and pour that over the ice cream, and you have homemade Magic Shell that is pretty much the best thing ever. You could definitely say that.

Sunshine In The Rain: Candied Oranges

Pilfered produce. Felonious fruit.
Pilfered produce. Felonious fruit.

My grandmother is 97, and she steals fruit and vegetables from the cafeteria and gardens of her assisted living facility.

Perhaps I should backtrack a bit, lest you get the wrong idea.

My grandmother is, in truth, 97. I am not going to add that “years young” bullshit. Irene Kalman is 97. Sharp and witty and mentally all there but still every bit of 97 with Meuniere’s disease and vertigo and odd, fussy habits that the elderly seem to develop. She gets dizzy if she stands up too quickly and has recently conceded to a walker, only to store her keys and various bits and bobs that she travels around the facility with.

When The Teenager and I visit, she talks about being surrounded by “old people.” Obvi, she does not number herself among their ranks.

Every day she gets up and does her hair and puts on makeup. Her hair is that particular kind of spun white floss that envelops her skull like clouds and I always want to touch it but I don’t because #boundaries.

She wears sweaters from 1982 and shoes that may be at least as old as I am (44, if we are keeping track. Forty-five on March 14th, and, yes, appropriate tributes are accepted. #PleaseAndThankYou).

Our visits are always the same. We update her about all of the things we are doing, keeping the more challenging or troubling times out of our narrative and focusing on how busy, active, and healthy we are (even if that means we left the cheese off our tortilla chips when we sat on the couch and watched football all day). My grandmother has that Depression-era peculiarity of dwelling on bad news and glossing over it, concurrently. You wouldn’t think this was possible, but don’t get her started on the Dust Bowl or cooking when you have no money.

We avoid this tendency to fret by ignoring troubling topics and keeping everything light. Sometimes it’s unavoidable though, like The Unfortunate Time My Husband Died and The Fact That Donald Trump Exists In The World. When this happens, we shake our heads ruefully together and bemoan the fates while looking resolutely towards the future. There is no dwelling, although my grandmother and I are Champion Worriers, so we each of us dwell in our own private ways later. #SleepingPillsForHer #AnxietyMedsForMe

I think the hardest thing for my grandmother is the fact that she cannot really extend the basic hospitality of feeding her guests. When I was growing up, the main feature of a visit to grandma’s was the food. Fried chicken, lasagna, even once a homemade struedel that took up the entire table in the making. My grandmother is an excellent cook, both personally and professionally, and I think it pains her to be able to offer nothing to those who come to visit.

So she steals fruit from the cafeteria, hoarding it in her room until she has a guest, at which point she unloads her bounty on them, concealing it with wadded up grocery bags so the people who aren’t watching and don’t care won’t catch her.

I figured out awhile ago that this makes her feel good, so I accept whatever she wants to give me.

Unfortunately, this means that I often return home with a thousand navel oranges in the winter.

Citrus and I have an uneven relationship. I don’t even quite regard it as a food, which haz the dumb, I know, but it seems so…liquid. Great as a garnish or in a glass with champagne.

I will occasionally eat an entire box of clementines, mostly because I can’t get over how easy they are to peel and I don’t want to waste.

But still.

This past visit sent us home with ten oranges. And no juicer. And no one in this house who wants to peel them.

But guess what? CANDY. Orangettes, to be precise. Orangettes dipped in dark chocolate, even better.

The next time I visit my grandmother, I will tell her that we ate each one of the oranges and they were so sweet that it was just like candy.

Orangettes

Ingredients

3 cups simple syrup (DIY: combine a one-to-one ratio of sugar and water)

ten oranges, sliced into 1/4″ rounds and then cut in half

Optional: more sugar

Optional: melted chocolate

Method

Bring simple syrup to a low boil. Place oranges in the syrup and simmer for 30-45 minutes. You are looking for a slightly translucent flesh and the pith to be heading that way, too.

Remove from syrup and transfer to a cooling rack placed on a cookie sheet. Place in a 200 degree oven for 30 minutes or so, just until the orange peel is dry and the flesh feels a little tacky. You should certainly flip them over halfway, and no one would fault you for trying one at this stage. Turn off the oven and let cool, or keep them in there overnight.

At this point, you can toss in sugar, leave as they are, or dip in melted chocolate. I like to toss them in sugar and then dip them in bittersweet chocolate because DELICIOUS.

 

 

 

 

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